Wednesday, January 18, 2017

Simply my thoughts without judgment

Greetings yeoribeon!

(Written on 11.29.2016)

Currently, I'm on a bus ride for an errand and I thought of writing a list of things I wish I'm doing or will be doing, without judgement. So lemme start with...

1. Paint our whole resort with my own doodles and quotes that wish to push anyone who is in pain or (i hope not) depression to just get up and TRY find again their own zest in life.

2. This is a little version of #1, I would like to start my own journal. Write about the randomness I feel and be artsy about it. Ooohhh that would be a lot of work to do but I just like to also make my IG artsy and personal.

3. Traveling back to Korya is not a surprise but you will still be. I swear you will! Wahhahahah

4. LIVE in my own room. Decorate it with *christmas lights, mantra for life quotes, pictures of my life pegs, hotel pillows and beddings, alive plants like cactus and some herbs, coffee table at my veranda/balcony whatever that is, a cozy bathroom that will pass as a room as well and voila!!! I can live, I can die in my room if that's the case.

5. Wear dresses under my coat! Pastel layering or boho like getup are my next fashion statement to achieve.

6. Watch relatable korean drama series that will let me adapt the values and learnings~~~ wooohhh can't get over with Another Oh Hae Young just yet so  bare with me.

7. Continue my meds. Hahaha That the secret I won't tell here at least.

8. Travel far and go to places local or city like and just be able to engage with actual people. Get into long and deep conversations with them and learn how they live. 

9. Be not a control freak that I'm quite becoming these days. Because I'm the type who wants to get things done right and learned through the years that with focus, nothing is impossible to accomplish but the odd side is I tend to be very hard on myself that also affects the people I'm with. That is why I badly wanted to change because I want to loosen up and just experience that life that is happening right now. 

10. Get into a relationship at an age I'm the most ready or I suppose, emotionally able to reciprocate the right amount of trust and love to the other person.  I know it shouldn't be quantified but in reality to make it last, there's formula to make it work and enough is the most right. Ok. Someone seems to be not in love right now that she's talking too much.

11. Eat pesto flavored pizza and fruit salad!!!!

12. Talk in TED Talk! (Am I to change the blog title to, A List Of My Big Dreams)

13. Go to an amusement park with ummm and ride the Abyss in HK Water Park Adventure with ummm.. hahahha
14. Go see Sarah G. in her concert!!! And have a picture with her.

15. See Music Bank in Korya! Anubahhhh!!!

16. Dance in a club! My goshhhhh been a long while! The I am sober but I dance  like a drunken master in my sexy dress. Ahhha

17. Send my parents to a week long vacation somewhere in Bali or Bangkok.
18. Go maintain a career. Hopefully it will be filled with fun loving and professional people!

19. Able to be resilient at all cost when sadness comes uninvited. Especially those nights that seem so hard to negate the bad vibes life may throw, I wish to be able to heal my own wounds less than a day so it won't be that dragging and inflicting.

20. Be able to spread only happy vibes to people that when they think of me, they would love to see me again.

With sooooo much suweggg,

The Monday Currently |05

My post way back when I was shaken by my TOTGA (The One That Got Away), entitled: "This will take a few...". Kidding aside, my heart melts as I read and understand what I've been meaning to say in that post. The emotions of that post still hits home even when it's been 2 years since I last cared for someone so bad that I thought it would be the start of something I've always been waiting to arrive, ❤️. So if I have to give myself the advice back when I was so inexperienced with dating and getting to know someone, I would tell my old self to not hold back. To face her issues not like an "adult" that she always perceived to be very sure and serious when it should not be the case because she must be forgetting her true self in the process. Stay true to who you are, to what you want to happen and to the persons that will be affected by your decisions. And lastly, never assume UNLESS the answer where already given to you by that person involved. Because you might just missed chances of a lifetime so don't get your gates closed and high just yet because it all that's happening may just be really intended for you to experience. The big plan is to make you better and stronger each time and not to keep you from your comfort zone with self doubt. Come out stronger Zelle!

I'm writing on a journal almost everyday since Lala chingu inspired me to be creative while offline which is now the case after the Nina typhoon last December 25. There was no stable internet connection and electricity since the super typhoon hit our district and so I resorted to a much more engaging habit of writing my big and smallest worries in life. 

Weightlifting Fairy Kim Bok Joo OSTs! My favorite is From Now On because it's easy to listen to and just my mood to recover from the kdrama series that just ended. Aigooooo Let's not be too emotionally attached please!

I'm thinking of ways to give myself a reason to again believe that I can do great things NOW and in the future! In fact after my coffee date with Michael last Friday, I thought of taking an exam in line with the career I am in. I suddenly feel the need for reevaluation since I'm in a slump anyway and trying to gain self confidence in the work I used to enjoy so why not I devote my energy for learning and deepening my know how. 

The scented mosquito coil with lavander scent.

My life in general would be as awesome as I pictured it to be with sooooo muchhhh love in the air and believers surrounding me.

To be very honest, I still don't know the difference between what to hope and to wish but I think if I hope for something then it would require my earnest participation so it can happen. Like I hope for a love life this year and hope it would never leave me this time.

I'm wearing my grey board shorts, my overrun F21 oversized t-shirt/blouse and because it's cold and windy outside, I covered myself with a hoodie jacket. Which reminds me of my favorite boss since he used to own this jacket. He's eyes must be strained from glaring at me each time I bring this jacket out of his cabinet located alongside our workstations so he just let me borrow it for life. Thanks sir Kent! 

I'm loving the chat I had with Pastor Ayi over coffee this morning at 9am. The long and deep conversation started from my silly question, "if you were not in the ministry now as a Pastor, what life or career you would have pursued/take?" Then we had an exchanged of thoughts and some real life talk I need at the moment. We talked about life's purpose in general and how to lead yourself there with inner peace and confidence. And I realized, it must be really hard finding yourself because based from his undeniable talent in arts he could have been into somewhere nicer place (not to put down the state he is now) with very vast opportunities that could greatly help raise his family and uplift his financial status. But he reminded me to live in the present as I reflect it on my own which path to take since he assured me that "you knew exactly what you really wanted to do since you were a kid" and it's just that you're acknowledging now your true self, you're going through life and being a Christian helps you understand that there's purpose at every given situation. That it may be perceived by others as failure but in God's eyes it is not. And we should not be too focused on ourselves alone. We may compare of how others earn their goals but it will just slow things for those who do that. It's way easy to have some time alone while again being significant to the lives of those who would need your service, even they're on a smallest scale of help.

I've been wanting to have a work again! A career that I would want to take good care of for a long time.

I need to go find a place where I could be at my best self again! Where there is accomplishment in the job that I do, where there is companionship within friends and family and growth that would help me be a much better person almost all the time.

I'm feeling the warmth of God's love for me! He may often challenge me but because he believes that I can always finish strong and mindful, he would always send people reminding me to be kind and grounded at all cost. Let me tell you Lord now, thank you for always putting up with me and for not taking my life in those nights that I became so weak to even ask you to set me free from my issues. Again, SALAMAT ng marami Lord! You knew what I am the most grateful for and thanks for always keeping me companied through your grace. Amen! 

Tuesday, December 13, 2016

Because 2016 was such a tease!

2016 is not yet over but since I already kept dreaming of writing about it so here's my overflowing feels for this year that will be ending (tears~~~?) in just few tumbling. Just for everyone's knowledge I have resigned from my corporate job and God is good for allowing me be in the shed of my parents for about 7 months since I moved my whole piece of self back in town where I used to live for 2 decades since birth. 

To tell you honestly, when I left Citi I was half hearted. I guess because I was as  unsure as my reasons why I will have to leave to pursue bigger goals someday. Someday I still do not know the possibilities and as to how it will take place. Well then, the 7 months hiatus also paved discoveries and ways to get to know myself more and to experience living again with people in my life who genuinely have my best interests at heart and and want nothing but the best for me. Aigooo~~~ I am not supposed to be here and live the bum life I'm having because I never really imagined myself to be back here, get involved again with the hustle of trying to understand the differences we have in the house, the family drama my goshhhh!!! Don't get me wrong but for 5 long straight years living on my own in a city that is very busy, where no time is allotted for dramas (not the koryan drama though) since you're already confined with the struggle of daily commute and stress at work. Hence, I have managed to only be good to myself that everything that's also in my world becomes secondary. Yes, I may look  apathetic but allow yourself to get to know me by my shortcomings, they add twists to my life after getting bored from aiding my single blessedness. I mean, 2016 was extremely difficult year that made me madly anxious about my future. It made me act on the NOW and stopped from the so much thoughts I've been regularly thinking since I come to this age for quarter life crisis. 

To give you a a gist of the things and crazy thoughts I have done for the whole year, here's my life in order. At least here I could say I'm pretty much organized. Hahaha

1. In secret, I was counting the days off from the day I'll be parting with my then company. Yes, ever since I got in that chaotic banking environment I also have decided to leave exactly a year after I felt uneasy. To be very honest, I accepted the post because I badly needed to have a new beginning (you shouldn't be asking what it is, that would be rude! Tsar.) and I super liked the job posting. But after suffering the birth pains of the job, I simply just work that I forgot how to be myself again. It's been crazy really but it effectively healed myself from a broken heart. Tsar again! It may not be the job that I felt like going to every day but some of the finest and professional people were there and for that I'll forever be grateful for the one of a kind experience. In the end, the best teachers were really our mistakes and the consequences of our choices.

*Life Tips from Misil:
"Counting off the days before your vacation leave or last day at work is indeed very helpful to keep you motivated coming to work."

"Don't join the squad and pin point the toxic and difficult people in the office. Get to know them instead. They're 99% good people."

"Don't just be curious about things that puzzles you, get the answers. Always ask."

"Don't be too hard on yourself. Because work is only a part of life. To put it frankly, there's no life in the banking industry because it's not your money anyway your counting ." 

2. Went on a solo traveling to the country I wish to be licing right now, Seoul, South Korea. The decision to go solo (trying not to say alone, ouch!) wasn't so hard for me to decide on since I was thinking about going there any time I'm free to fly. Especially after receiving my lump sum bonus back in January so YEY to that! I went to MOA for the yearly travel expo back in November last year and got the 13k round trip ticket to Seoul. I simply don't mind the price just to be happy in my 7 day stay in the cold post winter season visit I had last March 6. Little did I know the preparation killed my already sleeplessness because the thought of the 7 days of traveling solo sinked in weeks before my flight and my parents is strongly against my plan. But my stubbornness once again ruled over the wishes of my parents. I can still relish the days and nights I would alot to research and study the places I'll include in my itinerary. Woooohhhh so with courage, thrill, excitement and fear all together in my tummy I forgot to care enough about my head, too bad I have suffered very bad headache on my first day in Seoul. But still I managed to get better each day, I have mingled with my roommates, my landlady at the hostel I stayed in with veryyyy gourmet like breakfast and of course the koryan saram(s) in the subways and the places I've been lost. 

Ramyeon at a jjimjilbang place near Seoul Station. 
Me trying to take a picture using my iPhone's timer. I still can't overcome my shyness for asking help. 
At the Travel Expo where i got the cheapest fare at Jeju Air! Hahahaha kidding, it was doubled the price of my cebupac ticket fare from my last visit. nonetheless, I was treated like a koryan saram! 

But wait there's more, I was often called by some kapwa koryan that as "haeksaeng"!!! Student daw ako besh! Hahahah k.

Blending in with my winter clothes! Yay! Bought several pieces because that was my travel is all about, YOLO! That even if the temperature is below 0*, I have managed to stroll with my skirt!

Right behind me is where my hardworking yeobos work. YG Entertainment! 
I still feel the need to post this because this is the craziest and the most heart breaking part of my trip, I was cut off from the group who can see Kpop Idols perform live! The pain was still the same though. Waaaahhhh But I've found reason again to come back! Fighting!!!

Good thing I saw their leader at the airport. Hahahaha I claimed it so yeah, that was B.I. lining up before me at the Immigration area! Siya yun dapat!!!  Thanks for cheering me up.

*Life Tips from Misil: 
"The things you once not cared about will remind their value to your life. Remind yourself that the measly and petty things may teach you valuable lessons in life."

"Don't stress. It's vacation you're planning not a battle field."

"Stay true to your roots. If you're not so good at taking pictures-why not do some snapchats or vlog!" 

3. This is by far the most surprising that happened in my 2016 because I never thought that this can still occur in this lifetime. Behold because I think I can now live healthily with this! I can even soon bear a child because I CAN NOW SWALLOW SOLID MEDICINES!!! I got a help from several YouTube clips on how to swallow a medicine so I practiced using a crack piece of Polo candy and once I got the momentum, I never stopped myself from taking up my vitamins and headache reliever. Yey!!!

*Life Tip from Misil:

"Have the courage to try especially, if that concerns the betterment of your health."

4. Back in Bikol. I wouldn't say I would live here for good. I just can't see that yet but I have been busy with my duties as Operations Manager of our family business-resort which just opened last May 15 of this year. Seriously at first I couldn't see the value of our resort because I was more concerned with my own interests because my supposedly plan to study abroad was pushed back because the startup business is on the process of construction and a big sum of money is also needed. I moved on from it from my day to day reminders to self that this is also what my parents should be doing at this time in their retirement phase of their lives. I mean if I can be sensitive enough with how they have managed to raised us in a comfortable life since we were kids, this is just small lapse they may have not seen to be coming. No, actually I was in the wrong here to think about only of my own when my parents are just doing their part again for us their kids to have a brighter future. But the process of accepting how things are going now was not an easy task to understand right away, because though I am still wandering at 26, undeniably I am still at my prime and I constantly feel like I am wasting time-time where I could have been earning and saving for goals I wish to achieve in this life that I imagined to be worthwhile and promising. But it came to me also almost everytime I feel low about the unrealized goal to study abroad, was the optimistic side of me-negating my biases over my selfishness; my life I wish to be as good as @hellokaty or as exciting as the people I admire in every series I've been watching. I kept negating the sadness to interfere every end of the day and make myself believe that you are here for a reason. I know I once twitted/posted on fb that " SOMETIMES IT *doesn't* ALL HAPPEN FOR A REASON" -Yes, I'm saying things I will soon regret and that was one of the moments I made sadness rule over my resilience. Back then I maybe thinking, I simply made a bad choice. I was doomed when I came back and that my family wouldn't support my dreams at all. That I will no longer need to justify and wait for a reason why I wasn't happy with the result of my choices. I couldn't surrender my troubles to the highest being (God) since He has too many issues to solve for sure-mine is just minimal. I was in fear asking for Him to take me anytime this year just because I'm not happy at a point in my life that I should be somewhere real nice as I imagined it in my dreams. That was depressing and I don't wish anyone would have the same thoughts like mine. Live still in the moment and believe in the God you once thanked for because of a blessing just few weeks or months. 

*Life Tips from Misil:
"We just come in to terms with our own selves when we are weary but we have a friend in Jesus whom we can count on our lowest if we wish not to share our troubles with anyone."

"This too shall pass. Failure is okay because it teaches you hard to earn lessons so you could be better."

"Quarter life crisis is not a trap, rather it's a detour you need to experience once in a lifetime. Hopefully just once."

"Be kind to yourself when things get hard."

"It's fine to curse but ask forgiveness and forgive yourself after you have cooled off."

5. I have shut the front door for "friends" whom I have not experienced being good in their company and relationships that were long overdue to be closed. Umn. I feel the need to let go of some of these long time "friends"since I have all the right to do so and choose the ones I want to be real with. So I eliminated the people holding me down and be friends with those who try their hardest to lift me high and a true believers of my dreams because I am also with them. 

Life Tip from Misil:
"You should at least share the same values in life."

6. Since I've stayed with my parents, apart from doing the day to day duties of a bantay-resort/bantay-tindahan, I kept myself busy with beautifying the surrounding sights of our place. Not to boast but I have won over my father's idea about necessary improvements and added attractions to adapt in our resort like the the first ever built #mudslide and obstacle course experience in the Bicol Region. The idea is from a YouTube clip I saw, also we have to live up to our business name, #Valerosa FARM ADVENTURE Resort so I initiated its construction and helped in how it should be experience by our customers. 

Fortunately, we're blessed with a natural resources that fits well with what I have in mind. The obstacle course is also around the farm so it's like killing two birds with one stone, we have incorporated the mudly, deeply mudslide adventure with the view of the farm. Now they won't just be appreciating the farm from afar. Thanks to me! Tsarot lang~ 

One more that kept me more alive lately was my own discovery of a talent of mine. I still get shy saying this because I simply just copy my paintings from a picture I find cool on Fb so that day happened that I started painting first on our wooden swings, then few months later found myself painting on washing boards for our signages, then just recently I'm into lettering the name of our resort that pushed me to try harder and paint on concrete walls and our wall-of-wisdom. Isn't that something??! I'm not actually not a good at drawing but back in college my drawing of straight lines were quite applauded because their just... well, straight. Hahahaha 

*Life Tips from Misil:
"No one is too early or too late for something. Who are you to judge diba?"

"If you feel your idea is good enough to make an extra profit and beneficial, make others understand how it goes and show them it's benefits. Talk about it with a positive mindset."

"Always learn from others because you might just learn something new from them."

7. I maintained a short haircut ever since I decided to drop from my short course classes I took for free. Hahahah Steve Jobs must be proud! Drop the class that doesn't interest you! Kaya eto~ 

*Life Tip from Misil:

"Stay foolish and never settle for things that refrain you from becoming the person you wish to become."

"Dare to be bold and random because you'll never know you'll love it."

To sum up, I was the most daring and bold this year which fits with the season of my life as well. So I'm happy I blended in with the heavy waves 2016 has slapped and made me roll over. My goshhhhh!!! But what I trully have understood from all these is to KEEP ON TRYING no matter what's limiting you from even thinking of your happiness. So be it as bold as going again for a job interview or going solo on a vacation abroad what will do matter in the end is that you tried in pursuing your happiness. The moment you bring yourself together in an unknown circumstance, YOU'VE FINISHED 2016 WITH BOLDNESS my dear! Cheers to more discoveries and wisdom found from true life experiences.

The bravest at 26,

Friday, November 4, 2016

Random Quote 01

"How vain it is to sit down to write when you have not stood up to live." 

- Henry David Thorea