After sitting back and thinking long and hard, a few points crossed my mind. I realized:
2. Love isn’t love if you think about it. Okay. There were men in my life this year that made some knocking into my heart and thought for once one of them can actually be the one. But things do happen for a reason, my heart isn’t at peace at all though I know it’s been moved several times. Because I keep thinking and thinking of thoughts that just stops me from doing what I’m ought to do and that is to just love when I feel like it! But looking back I think I was and it just didn’t happen the way I imagined it to be. And there goes the acceptance which answers what went wrong question of some… that as time passed; I felt I didn't have enough time to be truly loving. It was a time when I worried every day about the future so I could not give it enough love. I think I could not continue a relationship where I was considerate of the other person because I was so overwhelmed by my worries.
3. Ask and you’ll be asked. I think I have to learn this still; I was almost in love that I didn’t bother asking. I stick with my fantasy of falling in love with no words required to express it and thought it will be enough. It ran for months thinking we’re both in the same page but seriously, nothing’s really for sure unless you pop the question. So there goes my regret, not that I’m still drawn to the guy I’ve been talking about the whole year but I think this becomes a personal struggle because I wasn’t that assured with myself if I can really risk it all. Oh gawddd! And this is not just true FOR romantic love; I believe if you care for someone you should always be asking out of concern. And so this gives me the reason why I didn’t dare to ask in the first place.
4. Don't over share. Again, I’m just being me and when I say “me”, I mean being too comfortable. When I am in the moment of anything good and bad someone can just wait for my childhood stories, little secrets and business affairs be told! I don’t find it wrong at that very moment but when the people who have heard of them will use it to my offense then there I start regretting being very detailed with my life. That sometimes I do get the feeling that I’m not being taken seriously because of this habit of sharing. Though I have battled this habit and just give them headlines still I feel like I’m over sharing and that it’s making me think that I’m surrounded with people who never really cared. Sorry for the blame though. I’m just freeing my horizons in this short story of mine. Hihi
7. There's beauty in moving on. I started to see its beauty because I have failed in matters that draw me to cry, gone mad like a bitch and desperate at some points and looking through the memories in my mind, I’ve also seen myself happy before they fail me and having thought about it now, I realized I am still bound to commit mistakes down the line. But the good news is that there’s so much more to failures, I mean let’s be realistic it’s stressful but once you’ve seen the bigger picture and by that I mean you’re done thinking of the WHYs and now prepared to act on the HOWs. But of course before doing so I had to go through my distractions to at least keep me sane: First, I watch a series of latest Korean drama – this is a sure thing to alienate from everyone’s feels and even my own. Second, I go out shopping because I feel good when I dress good. Third, I blog as if I’m getting paid in sharing my worries to whoever who has same issues as mine. Fourth, I pray; go to the church where I grow and eventually pour my heart out and that’s my way of killing the blues and in return, embracing the odds.
8. I'm beautiful. At least I dared to believe that I am. Hahahaha! There’s this line I’ve heard from a contestant of The Voice of the Philippines Season 2 when she was asked how she is feeling, “They say you have to believe in your talent because it is God’s given gift so no matter what I have to be confident.” In this case, I’m talking about that beauty you see at first look. I for one is guilty in judging someone by just looking but that don’t really sum up the character of a person because what it describes is how shallow my personality is for believing what I just saw. I think this will not be too hard to absorb because I’ve seen some falling for this too that it’s not all about the looks that people really are looking for in a partner because truth is, what will make you stay until the end will be what’s skin deep, the mystery that kept you surprised over and over again. And so it made me thought of the reason why he left me just like that in mid-air when I know I’m for keeps, I may not be the typical but I know I’m special. Those were my sentiments but now I know now why it didn’t come to serious commitment because he failed to see that or he must have his own definition of beauty. And though I am confident with that beauty I have that is yet to be discovered by someone I’ll call Hon, I just now want to let someone from the past know that it’s ok, I’m still beautiful I know because I made you look at me several times…
9. Going into business is not an easy task. There’s no perfect path all the way up that’s may be why the pressure comes off when I get into business six months ago and it turned out very promising to the point that I’m too broke to be spending these coming holidays with a holiday face. I have to loan and I need to sacrifice my spending such as supposed gift plans to uncles and aunties this Christmas; paying off my debt on my mobile plan; travelling solo in somewhere I can’t discuss yet all because I have to cover for the losses I made. But what is this mess without some lesson to teach me right? So I was able to be more prayerful; my words and statements being shared are more meant and well thought of because I don’t wish to hurt especially that I work with friends in this business I’m talking about. I fear less because I’ve come to know that I am already at risk and that fear will be no help so I always try to be composed when taking my turns. Plus, I came to know who my real friends are and that I don’t want to elaborate for now. Also I now know how to close a deal and really be holding responsible for it. It’s just that now it didn’t happen the way all three of us have imagined our first business venture would be like and so it made me earnest because I have been welcomed so well that I want to make a comeback in business with a plan, more foundation of guts and knowledge and a mind set to surprise no other than myself next year! YEAH!!!
10. I'm an IRON MAN but not the hero type. This came to mind after watching Avengers and in there Captain America said this line to Iron Man, “You always find a way out.” And after hearing those words it felt like the Captain just talked to me, I mean ridiculed me! Remember my fandom over Iron Man? Yeah you most probably don’t. I’m a Marvel fan and I love Iron Man the most and this may be the reason why I find him appealing next to Loki, well who doesn’t! I think the connection is there because I always find him cool because he wears the coolest suit ever! And remember he has that biggest role in that movie! He redirects the missile to the tunnel where Loki’s army came from and viola! The movie ended and he just made the whole team realized why he always find his way out at every given situation and it’s not just to save himself but because that would mean he can still help and you don’t want to see your hope falling right?! So did I just make a point? HAHAHA What a joy to be able to share you that! HAHAHAHA
Anyway, going back to the real talk we’re having… just like Tony Stark I too always find myself to somewhere safe. Like if I have a chance where I always see opportunity to get away, I fly if I have to just to be free from stress and what I think hurts. Maybe that’s why I’ve been living independently for 3 years now, away from family drama and peer pressure of getting married or having a boyfriend real soon. But something you might actually don’t have an idea about that just like the man I adore I also care for the common good; I also wish for what you’re wishing for it’s just that I want to make it my way so if things fail I won’t be that someone who’ll feel betrayed in the end because I’ve been led on; I want to experience what you’ve been talking about so that I can fully understand the feeling of success or that failure we are all afraid of. I think I’ll be too afraid of seeing myself helpless so I’m equipping myself with hard earned experiences. And just like him, I want to be responsible for the many and to be able to do just that I have to be wealthy and to be a good role. I wish to be a promising person on this land too though you may think I’m not afraid at all like risking my whole wealth or life in general for the experience, I want to hold responsible for my own self.
11. When there’s pain, there’s shame. This I just felt recently, I’ve involved myself to some serious problem. The stress took me months then just a week ago I was able to take a deep breath for telling it to my family. It was not at all relief because the most stressful part indeed is facing it like an adult, compromising and it doesn’t suit me at all. I mean, the pain can leave you just right there in then but the shame would be so hard to brush off because I’ve caused some discomfort, inconvenience in a relationship that should not be tainted at all especially with money issues. Now, I am still battling with myself if I would have my genuine smile to face my family after that because more than the shame I also felt sorry for myself after the unexpected things happened. I may be stressing myself right now for thinking of not coming home this holiday but this must be one of my most serious problems ever experienced that I would dare not to see them just to free myself from thinking and I don’t know if I’ll have that peace around the people I’ve caused pain. I am not at all being myself for the white lies but that’s to protect something more important, relationships are. Hooooo I still don’t know where to go this Christmas because of this situation.
12. Travel far. Since late last year I have been to places that brought me so many memories but I never really traveled far because I was never that accustomed or left the place with experience that would take me forever to forget. Sorry to HK, Bangkok, SG and Malaysia because I just forgot the days I had on these amazing places when I stepped into my nampyeon’s country, South Korea. I mean that was Korea, everyone! The place where my biggest crushes like KIM HYUN JOONG, LEE MIN HO, Big Bang, 2PM, Song Jae Rim and all the cuties live! So what to do??!! I can’t manage not to be that amazed! I feel like I was in some drama episode shooting my “almost lost” scene while riding the subway; my most awaited cosmetic shop hopping in Myeondeong; the tongue out experience going up the stairs to see the famous dating site among dramas, Namsan Tower; the coffee shop hunting to K-Story (Hee-nim’s café); the everything yummy, spicy and expensive street foods in Insadong; the leaves falling and the pine trees breeze of autumn in Nami Island; my madness over thrift shopping in Ehwa University which is just a few steps from our cozy hostel; our first stop to Everland where I met Gwang Soo oppa (talking about GIRAFFE!) at the zoo and the hologram concert experience of BIG BANG and 2NE1 are really just daebak!; the places where my favorite dramas were shot like the famous palaces and all those Koreans who I feel like family in a far place because they just helped us out whenever we’re doubting our route, It is crazy I know because I’ve been there and not just in any kind of day, it was there Chuseok or Thanksgiving day so it was extra special seeing Seoul!!! So for sure I’ll be back with more money in my pocket and a credit card that would be very good exciting to use! So with my coat on I'll see you soon Korea! Jeju and Nami Island too!
13. You have to believe in the greater power. Definitely not that I’m an Atheist because I grew up in Christian faith but there are just times where I tend to forget about Him or leave it up to His mercy. Maybe because I can still can count on myself through my own efforts and that I don’t find it wrong not until I’ve seen myself helpless and that I can only call for His help. Sure, I believe in some element of circumstantial luck, but there has to be something more and that you have to be grateful for.