Monday, March 24, 2014

Wrap Up!

Disclaimer: This has been my write up for my MBA grad and I did it too personal! When my mentor told me to write about my greatest failure and biggest learning I have written without a doubt my life's when it's supposed to be about the whole trading experience~ so I'm sharing just again one of the minor glitches that happened last March 22, 2014 on my grad day! Yey! I'm not actually excited. That's the truth why my hair down below is not looking so tidy and my dress I just bought it 40 minutes before coming late for that most awaited day again. But I really am honored graduating first in my batch! Yoohooo!!! Say Hello to me, the unexpectant graduate! 

Jerma Maezelle N. Ilarde

Occupation: Financial Specialist – State Street Bank HCL Services

I think mine was not graduating in college with laude when most of my friends are in the honor roll. Looking back, I could have done better memorizing stuff and of course not flanking College Algebra in my first semester as Accountancy major. My first year in college was pretty much the most dreadful experience in my life. Particularly after knowing that getting an F would mean no chance at all for honors in the most awaited graduation. I was just not happy with the course and back then I honestly just can’t keep up with expectations. What followed was a number of months of straight up confusion that almost snatched my scholarship along the way. And so the self-questioning was nonstop. What went wrong? What did I just do?

 Eventually I was able to take a step back and realize it’s just a matter of making smart choices. I’ve practiced to loosen up bit by bit and the first thing I did to get rid of the bad memory was to retake Algebra and shift to Business Engineering.  I just had a lot of explaining engagements then because of my first flunk in the history but not with friends since I was anxious enough that they’re all part of the “list” and in fear for them to find out that I was way behind. Making the story short, I received an A for my second take. I started to love again math and certain that it loved me back, I am proud to receive a perfect score in my Engineering Economy midterm exam for the whole batch (I’m sorry for being too specific but I can’t help not to feel the pride. LOL). And become a VP for two terms in our co-curricular org; I also happened to be an accidental football player and so I couldn’t trade my life to anyone without that flunk. I am blessed to experience such turning point early in life and I completely understood now why it has to be my greatest failure so far.

My greatest learning would be to give every undertaking a time. I’ve realized that “time” is what keeping me sane and that the benefit of a sudden dilemma is the ability to accept unwelcomed thoughts. Be it as routinely as I can’t have my lunch break on time because of loads of work and being the rational human being that we can be, I’ll choose to work and delay my cravings even that would mean I might not have the appetite later or no more break at all during the whole shift. The process prepared me to reach a mind-set which both my heart and mind approves and that still surprises me every time I choose to do what I have to do. Eventually all things fall into place. Until then, laugh at the confusion and think that everything happens for a reason. So whatever that worries me, I just give it time - for this too shall pass! 

...Ok! Enough with the mistake! Good thing I didn't do it while doing my thesis. Hoooo~~~ So this latter space, I give you my actual learnings... failures before my thesis got approved!

1. First, that when you decide to wait bear in mind that you're waiting for strats to be realized and not your pride to be satisfied. (wrote this in my journal last 02/11/14)

2. Stick to your strats! Modified strat3 most especially! 

3. Don't rush.

4. Sleep when you fon't feel like trading. Have a balanced life.

5. Don't depend on the people in the chatroom!!! Please calm down you people!!! 

6. Wag pa'pressure when they say you should be buying at this point when you still have a sell in place! Wooohhh~  

7. PRAY! I did follow the strats but it didn't go down the way I expect it to happen~ Thus, all you need is a good listener and at some point a miracle from Him.

8. It's ok not to trade daily or too often.

9. Trade on your free time and that's before going to sleep at around 6-10 am MNL time. I don't know! But I happened to get comfortable trading at these hours when they say it is unadvisable practice to take profit in the morning. 

10. Never stop learning! Always be at your best Zel!

11. And... Fear only Him because you already stepped in your best foot! 

MBA Thesis Done!!!

 

I am who I am today because of the choices I made yesterday... and because I have the nicest people behind my back. 

Komawo Nysh and Ylda for the push to enroll last Jan 11 and for the every little detail in our chatroom. Hihihi And congratulations too!!! 

To my ever supportive friends Jocry, Michael, Ace, Dean, Jnx~ i'm no longer that busy making up for my sleepless weekdays! Kaya I'm in na on Sundays! 

To my Saturday (almost every other day) Morning Barkada, haaaayyyy you know I don't get much sleep during the day but since you always insist, I'm coming to take my shot! 

Thanks to Haidee for the hugs during my wins! Haha the underwater reflection helps! Sir Kent for being an understanding boss and for keeping my secret for 2wks! Lol! And Junjun for the entertainment that keeps me awake! Haha Goto Bulalo special for my two awesome officemates/Videoke buddies/Adobo Connection Seshmates and my last minute shopping buddies aka The Liz Uy and The Francis Libiran, Dan and Billy THANKYOU! Yesterday was crazy but we made history! Yow! 

To my mentors and batchmates, thanks for the challenge and inspiration! Cheers to more wins! 

To Mama and Papi, here it is! Yooohooo!!! I think I deserve some grad gift~ hahaha Ate Yen and Jimboy, isturyahan ko kamo sa April! 

And to you my forever available kausap anytime of the day, Lord I didn't expect it to be this early~ so from the bottom of my bungisngis heart, thank you!!! 😘

#JustGraduated #WithGreatPowerComesGreatResponsibility 😊


Monday, March 10, 2014

Reason why I can do this.


Since I barely remember the times I paid you for my globe plan, I scanned our exchange of messages to check if I'm being a responsible debtor... And I'm not surprised that I'm not yet off the hook. Hahahayyy~ But here's to you who's always been there to lend me money... *I mean help. And as a mom, you've been riding so well with my insanity. Hehe 

In all my travels (be it silly and spontaneous as you always say or long planned as I described) you were not there physically at all times but you've always been present to make them all possible (for me to afford the luxury of getaway) iloveyou ma! pa! You never lose hope in me~ And of course thank you for the prayers, Lavander! Hehehe 😊πŸ‘ͺ

Forever indebted,
Misil

careLESS


The goal is to care less. That silenced everything from my parents have to say down to the barking dog almost everywhere. But not really altogether. Caring isn’t a bad thing. Your opinions are always welcome it's just that I've practiced not to care much or take it to heart *again, much. HAHA! It all started when I realized that worrying will not get me to where I am now. Almost six months ago I was lost. I have options to consider then but they are too many and too random to begin with. I used to be disturbingly preoccupied with other people’s opinions of me. And now I’m not. 

Truth be told... it's gotten to the point now where I long for more critical feedbacks. I start to feel a little uneasy when most of the responses to something I say are of the I-couldn’t-agree-more variety. As Mark Twain once said…

“Whenever you find yourself on the side of the majority, it is time to pause and reflect.”

But, again, if my brain and heart agrees with what I do, then of course I will not give a *blip (some bad word) to what others say! 

***Credit goes to YOU for the energy to care about this post. This means a lot to me~ See, I'm sweet too! 😘

Monday, March 3, 2014

This will take a few...

Oh Hi!

It’s been a long while since my last post. I’ve been in my lazy pajamas for the last weeks. Like today I was so busy doing my laundry, lining up in BDO to deposit some sums to pay off my debt, attending church and buying a pair of pants but only to find out I’m drooling while I’m in bed. Zzzzzzzzz…  

I’m losing my senses…

A lot had happened and I don’t know very well why I’m so damn slow and indifferent with almost everything that involves human feelings. Plus we should not forget, weirder than ever.

So rather story telling it in a winding way I’ll try not to TODAY. So here comes this fad about quarter life crisis and so I’m finding myself in it. You know I got this job that I like. I’m into banking and I’m feeling accomplished with work stuff. Also I enrolled myself into ForEx school to learn how to trade obviously. And I’m wondering if I’m indeed in love with a man right now. Ooops! I tell you no lies here!

To start off, 2014 has been overwhelming so far. At the very least I know how to feel overwhelmed. But here comes the matter of the heart that I’m totally unsure of. You probably know where this talk is going… I just had an epic coffee with friends a while ago so I’m completely dose with epic caffeine. I’m talking random of excuse so I now have to cut the chase. I’ve been totally uncool or way too cool that result to care less about the norms. And I’ve become more certain about who I really am because I’ve been getting similar feedbacks from officemates, good old college friends and my sister.

I don’t know how it all started but I’m sure my history has a lot to contribute on this but to keep it short and simple… I’m no longer the person whose easily can be bullied or shaken with foul jokes. I’ve noticed that I’m not my old self anymore back in my first job where I do get the feel that my cancer cells are slowly forming to stab me at the back in the near future when deadlines and some difficult people like myself is bugging my routinely work. Let’s knock on the nearest wood we have for that. I’m less emotional now. Thinking if I’m happy about it? Oh yes of course but I feel like it’s not becoming healthy I must say since it spreads like the cancer I’ve been talking about. I now hardly recognize emotions like anger, fear, pressure and the likes but not until this certain person came along. My past post will tell you why. 

So when I left his birthday cake gift from me on top of his locker I felt the goose bumps of course. Almost about to throw up because that is not the person I imagined myself will be on someone else’s birthday. Not his girlfriend but there I was acting like a boy courting a an it-girl who doesn’t know his chances after the supposed to be secret gift has been known to everyone. Tsk tsk tsk. And going back to the girl that is me, I’ve been mad for days… But gladly he stayed saying sorry for telling it on speaker phone that happened to get announced by a big mouth friend. And let’s not forget I got thanked on broadcast too. And that was me with my weird choice of words. I was so pissed off I tell you! Then he started this I-don’t –know-what-I-did-wrong act and he feels sorry for reasons not known to him as we first talk on the phone for 2 hours and 31 minutes. The anger turned to fluttered feeling after that early morning. And so the connection continues… but at this rate I’m trying to relax since he’s away for a vacation in Bora and I’m not receiving a single text or call. I’m fine I think. But I’m sarcastic and he knows that.

Skipping through the days… He changed shift. Our sched is now overlapping so we can get to see each other now again but not like last year where we have this 6 o’clock habit. February started with a “Wazzup?!!” and his “apir” gesture making the mood friendly and there I felt friend zoned to the core!!! And since I have no plans of making friends with him I care just enough. So I barely care right? And here he comes again calling! Oh my! I found my weakness there and then! He called after finding out that I’ll meet a college friend over dinner. Can I assume he’s jealous since he started teasing me with Abra’s song, “Haba ng hair” and keeping me busy all the while when he knows that I’m with this guy friend who happens to be just Jnx my good gay friend! Oh well who cares but I’m convinced that this guy is checking on me now. What’s gotten into you?

So we’re back with the thing we have but no more landian portion as I can describe our past conversations from last month. I’ve been totally cool with it because it’s more reassuring for whatever we have to grow. He’s sharing his personal thoughts and so I’ve learned to trust my thoughts as well to him. I know we are good true friends to each other. I found out that he’s good in Math so I started calling him Best in Math and he called me back as Best in Philosophy because of the way I talk. We know I’m witty! Ahahhaha ok! And I’ve been more surprised that he’s very much looking forward to the future like his plans of buying his own car this April, to also take up Law, get promoted and soon to open his own business. And I looked down to check if my heart is still attached like usual and at that sec  it fell to the ground!!! Waaaaaahhhh!!! So I told him to teach me how to save and he answered back with “you have to marry someone who’s thrifty.” And I lost again my senses! #Nganga

On a sad note, Valentine’s Day came early for his girl teammates since about 30 minutes after I got in the office he distributed Toblerone chocolates and I didn’t get any for he just passed by me. That was night of Feb. 13 and all I can respond to his chat were like… Ahhhh… Can you not talk to me since I’m not  in a good mood to mingle so please keep your distance or I’ll ask you questions like, WHO AM I EXACTLY IN YOUR LIFE?!?!?, WHERE’S MY CHOCOLATE?!? But I let that day passed since the day is still long enough but I already settled my feelings and hormones from not showing signs of disturbed. That day he waited till 7am for his dorm mate. I wasn’t expecting he’s going to give me a grand gift that early morning of 13th. Maybe a sunflower plant I saw near his locker or even just the same brand of chocolates like what he gave to others. BECAUSE GOD KNOWS I’M CONFIDENT BEFORE 14TH EVEN CAME THAT I WON’T GET ANYTHING SINCE HE’S THE TRIFTHY PERSON I KNOW. But that day he’s been warned by my boss to treat me seriously and he answered back while approaching me with smiling face, “Eto nga at idi’date.” And I smiled while disagreeing. What lame move was that?!? Then I got an oc from him greeting happy hearts day and shared some thoughts about his car being fixed after hours I seen zoned him. I was so angry so I just let it go. He knows I’ll be in Naga for the weekend and he said goodbye when he saw me with my heavy bags. I have heavy bags!!! WTH is this guy doing to me that I’m expecting him to send me off to terminal or in the most non obvious way to show his concern, help me with my heavy bags!!! I’m still mad with the thought of him acting like he cares asking me why did I wear something with red. I was all masungit answering back that it has a big portion of white and that it’s an Iron Man shirt which I just bought that day to calm myself from not hurting even more. I even think out loud that I have bakal na puso which explains why I wore the Iron Man shirt and that girls with flowers are the reason for the heavy traffic. And that if it’s lechon they’re carrying I would probably understand the cherish-the-moment- walk since it’s heavy obviously. Plus as compared with flowers where it’s been sprayed by the guy’s perfume, lechon is much much more pleasant to smell than those they have which can only live for span of 3 days. Ohhh… I made sure he heard it clear. I’m weird anyway so I don’t really care! Plus I didn’t receive any chocolates so better brush off those used to be feelings, fantasies… I hate you even you text me Hi on the following day. You’re too much so I decided again to treat you like how you treat me. I asked him to bring his external drive on Monday so I did get what I’ve asked for that Monday. I have toasted siopaos’ and kimbap as pasalubong and I didn’t give him any though he asked! Bwahahahaha! Gladly I received one stem rose that day from a friend in the office and I playfully handed it to him when he asked about why he didn’t get to taste my kimbap and I just made an excuse that I’m not confident about the taste. Oh you poor boy! That was so basic pain you caused me since all weekend it’s you whom I’ve been thinking about! You’ve been there causing more confusion than my thesis! I’m more hurt with you not texting than having to start over again my wins!

So there that day passed… you called in times when you needed someone to talk to. I assumed you’re bored. We had a deal about you going on a diet since you’ll show me the lean person that you were before as per you. I just said ok but you’re not weighing still with my eyes as the witness. I’ve been preparing for the day that we can finally go out for a break together just to see you on that scale but like our deal to have lunch together. Ohhhh… where exactly is this going? I noticed with your HD that you really downloaded the updated HIMYM episodes and that you don’t actually watch that series. You surprised me with your choice of Tagalog movies. It has Miggy-Laida trilogy and found City Hunter and Gumiho present in there too. Why is it like this? Why do I always find you surprising? Also you called just to know if I’m sober already during my sleepover with friends. I been telling lots of people how we ended up true friends and they’re like not believing my stories so thank goodness you rang me and so I made their disbelief into curiosity. Oh yeah! Someone out there cares if I’m drunk!  --.---\/

In our most recent talk, you reminded me again that my teammates are lacking respect to me in most times. You’ve heard foul words thrown on me whenever we all joke around. I can only agree with your words but I stressed that I’m not affected at all but it all came to me now that you must be very sensitive with stuff like that and I do appreciate the fact that you care. You chat me right away after overhearing the disrespectful words and I can only argue that I don’t take it to heart. But deep down you’re shaking my inner peace again!!! But good thing about this talk because you brought up the Valentine’s Day happening yourself saying you’re sorry for not handing me chocolates (he used plural form) since you were shy. And I answered with “ahhhh... nakita ko sa instagram un ni kate~ πŸ’”πŸ’”πŸ’”πŸ’”πŸ’”πŸ’”πŸ’”πŸ’”πŸ’”πŸ’”πŸ’”πŸ’”πŸ’”" And he's reply goes...

“Sorry na. Bigyan din kita. Ung mas malaki. Dark, white, o ung normal? Ano mas gusto mo?” And I answered after 30mins since my battery is dead, “dark!” and he said, “Cge po,” then our topic was turned to me watching thru his HD, Four Sisters And A Wedding which started our topic about roles we have in the family.
 
Honestly, I’m convinced that you do like me and I’m hoping we’re just taking it real slow. But what’s really making it weird is me getting all affected this much to you and less with other stuffs. I’ve been told by my Juicy friends in the office that I’m an inborn weirdo but they like it that I’m unusual and full of positivity. And it felt like I heard the words I love to hear but it felt also wrong somehow. Billy said to me that whenever I answer back it will always have humor in it and could always turn bad stuff to something better to say. And I knew now why… when I was in college we had this fun game I play with course mates. The game’s rules involve humor and logic, the situation goes… “It’s my cat’s funeral what will you bring?” and you’ll just need to answer it in a sad or sympathizing tone. And everyone got it minutes ago and all I felt was like I’m the dumbest at this game! What’s really to bring on a funeral… do I need to count for the syllables? Should the things to bring need to be ending in a vowel? Then they were like laughing at me saying it’s tough for her since she’s always smiling! Then I was like owwww… I answered but then again I laughed at the very end… and I can never go with them at the funeral. >.<  Because I’m not someone who welcomes sadness in life.

There I got reminded why I act this way.  I’m seriously not serious with issues I neglect to involve myself in. I just know I’m way too ok to concern myself with stuff that I’m not sure of. Well I do know I need someone to share this good life with so be it the guy I’m telling you about or some other guy we know but not yet present in the picture… I can only say come what may! And so I want to quote Oprah my friend over twitter, “You are in charge of how you feel.”


Look at these random tweets I posted for the past Feb:

Feb 19
I barely know what's gonna happen next but I choose to believe that will be worth it.
Being hurt is inevitable that's why I'm always convinced to smile more and care less in most of my days. #Realidad

Feb 16
Spending time with your love ones' is sometimes all the therapy you need...
@micLtoe lets be honest na zelle~

Women Of History @WomenOfHistory  Feb 15
Never give up on something you really want. It's difficult to wait, but worse to regret.

Oprah World @Oprah_World  Feb 16
When someone else's happiness is your happiness, that's love.

Feb 15
I miss serious talks with papa~

Oprah World @Oprah_World  Feb 15
If you're single, stop worrying. God is saving you for someone special. Someone worth the wait. Someone who will never take you for granted.

I wish to trust and be honest with you but i'm hesitant for you to find it crazy. tsk. Not sure enough.

Self healing I badly need!

I'm loving every seconds of it! #Frozen

Can i just say something crazy?!!?? #Frozen #IllBorrowThatLineSoon

Feb 14
No to stress this weekend! I'll get a life that I truly deserve! Be mine weekend!!!

Paalam malupit na mundo~ bwahahaha!!! #Getaway #MayKukuninLangSaBahayπŸ‘½✌️ @ J.CO Donuts & Coffee

“@Oprah_World: Expect the best. Prepare for the worst.” - yan na nga oh!
Don't feel sad over someone who gave up on you, feel sorry for them because they gave up on someone who would have never given up on them.

Feb 13
I'm ok na!!! Done with my errands so now i need a nap before work. yahoo!!!

@sooooNysHEE shopping!!!!

im not new to this but this day seems so different!!!! #ZoiloAndFriends
funny ang bakerfresh na delivery van! hayyyysss my lakas maka binata day just passed like that.

Zoilo!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Ramon Bautista @ramonbautista  Feb 13
Imbento lang yang valentines na yan ng mga taga dangwa, mga motel saka ng hallmark cards no! #HashTagLamig

Happy Valentines na anu! 

Oprah World @Oprah_World  Feb 13
Happiness doesn't result from what we get, but from what we give.

“@Oprah_World: When your mind says give up, hope whispers one more try.” -hayyyyyy

Sometimes what you're most afraid of doing is the very thing that will set you free.

nasasaktan ako oh baby~~~ huhuhaha

Feb 12
“@Oprah_World: Don't rush anything. When the time is right, it'll happen.” - same with life, love and forex.

“@Oprah_World: Tell someone they matter.” - someday gurl!

Feb 10
Thank you for calling sir! hahaha #SharingThoughts #BeforeWork #TYstevejobs 

Feb 6
When SOMEONE gives you a NICKNAME, it means you are SPECIAL to that person. - Reader's Digest

Feb 5
I know the truth so i'll settle with that.

When Best In Math meets Best in Philo??? Hahaha

Feb 4
#WhyILoveYou may pangalan yung ballpen mo.

Feb 3
Maging tayo muna #BeforeILetYouGo

Feb 2
I'm learning the ways to self heal~~~ Suddenly I don't need the answer!!!

It must have been the regret you're feeling now because you've shown concern like that and you just happened to affect this girl's heart

Should i be a girl and ask you what went wrong or continue to play it cool as if I'm not hurt at all??!?!!

Sabi mo, DO NOT TAKE FOR GRANTED!!!

But when the time I've come to decide about us and could be long term honesty with how i feel this person changed. 180 degrees.

I began shifting gears, we push and pull. We fight and reconcile. Lately i became my own enemy~ I hate throwing tantrums but i still did.

I knew that I'm not being sincere at all because I'm not 100% sure.

So i did state the words LIKE and it's synonyms but it just can't coincide with my actions whenever we physically see each other.

After all of that, I don't know if I'd come to rely on that person too much, but I knew then that i like him, so i did some things unusual.

Still even if i whine like crazy and we naturally fight on petty stuff he continued to be there for me...

ironically everybody's saying we still have the chance. #GoodluckMonday

It's not that you chose each other but it's because God chooses you to be together. #weddings


And so we’re done here. I hope March will be more exciting and fun to us all! And can we talk about something else please!!!

BUT I DOUBT! Because I always  have fondness for Love~