Wednesday, February 15, 2017

My Go To Person

Annyeong!

Today, I just wish you all guys a happy Valentines day! Really, I hope you all are happy may it be with someone you dearly love close or afar. You might have forgotten how fond I am with LOVE that was not yet fully achieved by yours truly, so I'm just deliberately telling you now before you get that idea of how come I'm still single despite my fan girling with love received and gave by others to... others. So, let's get this topic diverted before I lost for words to share. 

Now, we're good. Just after lunch, I went to my room and had my usual self talk, that's now how I want to call it because it's literally, me talking to myself ALONE in the room. Like, I think out loud and try to open up to myself what I find to be worth to think about. I just always have this habit of digging my in most thoughts to know myself deeply. I'm not sure if I'm the only person who do this so do let me know if anyone who bumped into this is doing the same. 

You know that there's always a reason for every season in our lives. I know you might have heard of that. I'm not gonna lie, it wasn't from me. But I can't help but agree with it, and it composed of the usual ups and downs of emotions. Which is totally understandable because you're a struggling human being, say for example for me, the way to keep myself sane in this "stucked-in-life" season is my habit of talking to myself to come into terms with my truest intentions which I can only get from talking it through. And I'll just stop talking once I came at a point where my mind and my heart would both be pleased with my own words. I may sound crazy but I do negative self talk most of the times because I believe I'm a complicated persona joined into one body, one who is spontaneous and compulsive and the other one is pretty much a cautious psycho as if everyone she meets would get advantage of her if she opens up so easy so she maintains to guard herself. I don't think this will be relevant to anyone reading but again for me this is a therapeutic thing to do. Expressing myself through talking or writing is something I know I love and I am quite good at. So I love what is happening right now. This is really a productive thing to do for someone like me. See, you can't be very good with grammar and punctuations to be blogging about what you feel. I think my emotions are my only investment into doing this for years! Next month, March 3rd will be my 6th year blogging my entire life! This is an autobiography I'm doing! I'm proud because I'm this cool! Ahahahah Forgive and ignore you people!

K. Now.

Totally happy,
Zelle~

Main Man, I call him.

Because I rarely stay home and I have the itchy feet for exploration to go random and far places, I also found, met and be friends with strangers. People I have come friends with while I am doing what makes me happier. And because I tend to stay away from the ideologies of my family, I have found the "temporary friends" in life (with miracle like expectation) expecting them to stick with me even at my unlovable state and be added to what I call the regular people in my life. But who are these people, I'm referring as my "regular people" when I'm often physically absent in the lives of my own family? I mean, who am I to turn the ones I just met as my new set of dependable friends? 

And after years of drought, despair and amidst my complaints, I've found the one true friend who never left (and because this is my most awaited blog post according to me, I'll make the intro...duction longer. Ok.); the friend who came to my rescue each time I fall and found him where it all started... inside my heart he would encourage me to be braver. He's the man behind my lifted spirit    complimenting just every rejections, failures and doubts. He never really left because it is always I who walks away but this time, without me knowing he revealed himself through my pains and I'm glad we both met, with ease. 

How do you deal with yourself when you don't consider your home as if it's your own? 

Tuesday, January 31, 2017

I've been thinking about you ALOT.

Hi!

We didn't start with that. We were both introduced to each other by one of my best friends, who's his blockmate in college then. And I still can remember the first conversation we had but don't give me the look as if I knew already that something's different with him. It just made sense now that "ahh ok, this is what he's been babbling about that time in the Library." I'm not quite sure why it's just the two of us in that table, obviously we were sitting, beside each other. He started talking about what he just read, like as if it was from his own words because I was caught off guard by his bluntness. Kaya eto na nga... he specifically told me about the sex drive of opposite sexes. Yes, he's a no filter kind of talker. ON. OUR. FIRST. CONVERSATION. MY. GOSH. I WAS JUST SEVENTEEN. Good thing about me is that I'm the open minded type of a person. I just let him finish say his piece. He started talking with an air of Kuya Kim in his introduction because he said it like this, "DO YOU KNOW that men and women have this big differences in engaging to sex? Like men would explore their sexual drive in their teenage years, it's about this time actually." And I was like ๐Ÿ˜ฑ๐Ÿ˜ฑ๐Ÿ˜ฑ. What is this boy saying, we were like strangers just a couple of minutes before we were having this strange topic. I clearly haven't thought of me being a subject of a bet or a consequence but I don't mind since I can't seem to erase now the next words he dropped. He added, "But for women, they find sex engaging in their late 20's. It's different, I know that's why women in those age would look for a man who has the experience. They will most probably find someone with experience." And I was like ๐Ÿ˜ณ๐Ÿ˜ณ๐Ÿ˜ณ on that note. I was flustered and just said in a confused tone, "ahhhh~~~". I wasn't able to rebut but I decided to leave the library earlier than expected because aside from I find him weird he is just freaking the weirdest!!! 


Secretly, 
Zelle~

Life must be better with you

I always ask my friends if they have someone whom they can say, "the one" and if that is in the person of their current partner. And the reason why I asked was because I thought, I have one. He's always  there though not physically around anymore but I'm secured knowing he's just a chat away. I would always think of him whenever I feel lonely for staying single since birth because I have him. But he's also the cure to that momentary loneliness since I know I have him. Knowing that he's there, still single and enjoying his life made me think that we might just be waiting for our time. I can still remember his sudden words during our graduation program practice, "Magseseryoso lang ako pag may sadiri na kong pamilya" His serious words made me forget about the question or topic we had then. And if I can remember it right, we're the only ones who were talking to each other that time. What made me think it's only us two then? Because I saw my face in his eyes and I'm looking at them too.



Insomniac,

Zelle~

Wednesday, January 18, 2017

Simply my thoughts without judgment

Greetings yeoribeon!

(Written on 11.29.2016)

Currently, I'm on a bus ride for an errand and I thought of writing a list of things I wish I'm doing or will be doing, without judgement. So lemme start with...

1. Paint our whole resort with my own doodles and quotes that wish to push anyone who is in pain or (i hope not) depression to just get up and TRY find again their own zest in life.

2. This is a little version of #1, I would like to start my own journal. Write about the randomness I feel and be artsy about it. Ooohhh that would be a lot of work to do but I just like to also make my IG artsy and personal.

3. Traveling back to Korya is not a surprise but you will still be. I swear you will! Wahhahahah

4. LIVE in my own room. Decorate it with *christmas lights, mantra for life quotes, pictures of my life pegs, hotel pillows and beddings, alive plants like cactus and some herbs, coffee table at my veranda/balcony whatever that is, a cozy bathroom that will pass as a room as well and voila!!! I can live, I can die in my room if that's the case.

5. Wear dresses under my coat! Pastel layering or boho like getup are my next fashion statement to achieve.

6. Watch relatable korean drama series that will let me adapt the values and learnings~~~ wooohhh can't get over with Another Oh Hae Young just yet so  bare with me.

7. Continue my meds. Hahaha That the secret I won't tell here at least.

8. Travel far and go to places local or city like and just be able to engage with actual people. Get into long and deep conversations with them and learn how they live. 

9. Be not a control freak that I'm quite becoming these days. Because I'm the type who wants to get things done right and learned through the years that with focus, nothing is impossible to accomplish but the odd side is I tend to be very hard on myself that also affects the people I'm with. That is why I badly wanted to change because I want to loosen up and just experience that life that is happening right now. 

10. Get into a relationship at an age I'm the most ready or I suppose, emotionally able to reciprocate the right amount of trust and love to the other person.  I know it shouldn't be quantified but in reality to make it last, there's formula to make it work and enough is the most right. Ok. Someone seems to be not in love right now that she's talking too much.

11. Eat pesto flavored pizza and fruit salad!!!!

12. Talk in TED Talk! (Am I to change the blog title to, A List Of My Big Dreams)

13. Go to an amusement park with ummm and ride the Abyss in HK Water Park Adventure with ummm.. hahahha
14. Go see Sarah G. in her concert!!! And have a picture with her.

15. See Music Bank in Korya! Anubahhhh!!!

16. Dance in a club! My goshhhhh been a long while! The I am sober but I dance  like a drunken master in my sexy dress. Ahhha

17. Send my parents to a week long vacation somewhere in Bali or Bangkok.
18. Go maintain a career. Hopefully it will be filled with fun loving and professional people!

19. Able to be resilient at all cost when sadness comes uninvited. Especially those nights that seem so hard to negate the bad vibes life may throw, I wish to be able to heal my own wounds less than a day so it won't be that dragging and inflicting.

20. Be able to spread only happy vibes to people that when they think of me, they would love to see me again.



With sooooo much suweggg,
Zelle

The Monday Currently |05

Reading
My post way back when I was shaken by my TOTGA (The One That Got Away), entitled: "This will take a few...". Kidding aside, my heart melts as I read and understand what I've been meaning to say in that post. The emotions of that post still hits home even when it's been 2 years since I last cared for someone so bad that I thought it would be the start of something I've always been waiting to arrive, ❤️. So if I have to give myself the advice back when I was so inexperienced with dating and getting to know someone, I would tell my old self to not hold back. To face her issues not like an "adult" that she always perceived to be very sure and serious when it should not be the case because she must be forgetting her true self in the process. Stay true to who you are, to what you want to happen and to the persons that will be affected by your decisions. And lastly, never assume UNLESS the answer where already given to you by that person involved. Because you might just missed chances of a lifetime so don't get your gates closed and high just yet because it all that's happening may just be really intended for you to experience. The big plan is to make you better and stronger each time and not to keep you from your comfort zone with self doubt. Come out stronger Zelle!

Writing 
I'm writing on a journal almost everyday since Lala chingu inspired me to be creative while offline which is now the case after the Nina typhoon last December 25. There was no stable internet connection and electricity since the super typhoon hit our district and so I resorted to a much more engaging habit of writing my big and smallest worries in life. 

Listening 
Weightlifting Fairy Kim Bok Joo OSTs! My favorite is From Now On because it's easy to listen to and just my mood to recover from the kdrama series that just ended. Aigooooo Let's not be too emotionally attached please!

Thinking 
I'm thinking of ways to give myself a reason to again believe that I can do great things NOW and in the future! In fact after my coffee date with Michael last Friday, I thought of taking an exam in line with the career I am in. I suddenly feel the need for reevaluation since I'm in a slump anyway and trying to gain self confidence in the work I used to enjoy so why not I devote my energy for learning and deepening my know how. 

Smelling 
The scented mosquito coil with lavander scent.

Wishing 
My life in general would be as awesome as I pictured it to be with sooooo muchhhh love in the air and believers surrounding me.

Hoping 
To be very honest, I still don't know the difference between what to hope and to wish but I think if I hope for something then it would require my earnest participation so it can happen. Like I hope for a love life this year and hope it would never leave me this time.

Wearing 
I'm wearing my grey board shorts, my overrun F21 oversized t-shirt/blouse and because it's cold and windy outside, I covered myself with a hoodie jacket. Which reminds me of my favorite boss since he used to own this jacket. He's eyes must be strained from glaring at me each time I bring this jacket out of his cabinet located alongside our workstations so he just let me borrow it for life. Thanks sir Kent! 

Loving 
I'm loving the chat I had with Pastor Ayi over coffee this morning at 9am. The long and deep conversation started from my silly question, "if you were not in the ministry now as a Pastor, what life or career you would have pursued/take?" Then we had an exchanged of thoughts and some real life talk I need at the moment. We talked about life's purpose in general and how to lead yourself there with inner peace and confidence. And I realized, it must be really hard finding yourself because based from his undeniable talent in arts he could have been into somewhere nicer place (not to put down the state he is now) with very vast opportunities that could greatly help raise his family and uplift his financial status. But he reminded me to live in the present as I reflect it on my own which path to take since he assured me that "you knew exactly what you really wanted to do since you were a kid" and it's just that you're acknowledging now your true self, you're going through life and being a Christian helps you understand that there's purpose at every given situation. That it may be perceived by others as failure but in God's eyes it is not. And we should not be too focused on ourselves alone. We may compare of how others earn their goals but it will just slow things for those who do that. It's way easy to have some time alone while again being significant to the lives of those who would need your service, even they're on a smallest scale of help.

Wanting 
I've been wanting to have a work again! A career that I would want to take good care of for a long time.

Needing 
I need to go find a place where I could be at my best self again! Where there is accomplishment in the job that I do, where there is companionship within friends and family and growth that would help me be a much better person almost all the time.

Feeling 
I'm feeling the warmth of God's love for me! He may often challenge me but because he believes that I can always finish strong and mindful, he would always send people reminding me to be kind and grounded at all cost. Let me tell you Lord now, thank you for always putting up with me and for not taking my life in those nights that I became so weak to even ask you to set me free from my issues. Again, SALAMAT ng marami Lord! You knew what I am the most grateful for and thanks for always keeping me companied through your grace. Amen!